The longer the journey, the more profound it’s challenges, the more it changes all who endure it.
It’s been a few days since 19 celebrated its birthday and turned 20. I’ve never been one to enjoy birthdays so I was never hyped. I often found myself questioning what all the fuss was for. The days didn’t really change. All we changed was a piece of paper and figures, then convinced ourselves mentally that times had changed.
But this time was different. I’d looked on so often as many embarked on a 365 day(sometimes 366😂) journey for the better. Or otherwise. But a journey nonetheless. So I told myself it’d be different this time round. That when the train made a stop, I’d hop in and see where it takes me. I had a translucent idea of where I wanted to go, but I had a clear memory of where I didn’t want to find myself again.
At this point, all I can say is that it’s been an interesting couple of days.
See 19 was a peculiar visitor. I found myself enjoying it’s company at some point, maybe I got so caught up in its bliss that I ended up paying a hefty price for the ignorance that came with the bliss. And when I looked up and around, I stood in a dark unfamiliar corridor. I wasn’t sure which way I’d come, let alone which way I wanted to go. I was in limbo.
Ever wake up to darkness, in daylight with a heavy soul, a tattered mind and your heart in a million shards? I don’t think so. I’m probably wrong. I’ve figured that just as we perceive things differently even in light, it’s lopsided to assume that we perceive everything the same way in the dark. Along this dark corridor, as I felt my way through the darkness, I resolved to take a selfish step in life. I resolved to take my pain, and share it.
So one afternoon, after a lovely Sunday meal, I walked up to mother, and as I took those steps, I saw tears in her eyes even when she wasn’t looking, before she even heard what I had to say. It’s like for a fraction of a second, I was faster than time and could see a minute into the future. And it broke my heart in ways I didn’t know possible. But I needed to do this. After all, I had chosen to be selfish.
My tongue sat heavy within and tears blurred my vision, it was probably for the better; that I didn’t watch tears flow from her own eyes. And when I’d explained to her how hard it was to get out of bed every morning and face the world having to hide who I really was, what I really was on the inside, she sat in silence and listened. I went on to tell her that the days dragged by and the nights brought pain. That I sat up for nights over months contemplating life and desiring it’s end, only to cry myself to sleep. All this while she said nothing. Nothing until I told her I longed to pass and leave all behind.
A soft sob and a salty stream of tears trickled down her cheeks before drizzling onto the cold tiles. And through tears, all she said was
The words shattered my resolve and it got me thinking what parents endure. Of course not every parent enjoys the misfortune of hearing such words from a kid they thought jolly and lively, but hey, we all hear things we’d rather not.
I think I’ll forever remember 19 because on that day, I did the hardest thing I’ve had to do in life. But from that rock, flowed a steady stream of support, a stream that covered a wound I thought would never heal. You see, since then, my phone often rings. And at the other end of the line awaits an anxious yet genuine voice of a mother burdened heavily with the demands of the world. A call too random to predict yet much needed. A call that simply reminds me that everything is going to work out. Maybe not as soon as I’d like it to, but as soon as it needs to work out. At the very least, twice a week I hear these words from mother,
It’s going to work out. Just play your part
So you see, 19 held that valuable lesson for me. I often think that it didn’t have to be too dramatic about the whole lesson, I mean there’s easier ways to teach a lesson, but you know what they say, “the end justifies the means.” And when I eventually walked out of the corridor, I decided to celebrate 19 and go with the crowd, I promised myself a change with 20.
Fast forward: barely 2 weeks have gone by since committing to 20 and all I can say is “yikes”
In under a fortnight, I feel like I’ve felt all there is to feel.😂😂 I know. I know. I’m probably exaggerating and being dramatic. But the truth is that it’s been a peculiar 14 days.
I’ve had days when I’m bursting with hope. Days when I’m confident that my story doesn’t end here. Days where I’ve felt like I can take on the world. Days I can stare my insecurities in the face and yell back at them. Days where I can pat my friends on the shoulder and reassure them that’s it’s actually going to be alright and mean that shit. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but some time. Days where my flaws didn’t so much as give me a thought. And damn, did I love those days. And I’ve had nights, on which my mind has been devoid of thoughts that would otherwise keep me awake. Nights where somnolence has welcomed me without having to have me traverse a labyrinth of chaos. Nights on which I can say I’ve had peace.
But like in every war, there’s battles you might have to lose. So there’s been days I’ve looked for the sun and only been stuck with an unclear memory of its warmth, a confusing state of de javu, a state of knowing yet not knowing. Days I’ve only barely held myself together in a world that’s tried to tear me apart. Days when I’ve asked myself if I was really doing the right thing, if I’ve ever done the right thing. Days I’ve felt unworthy, like a stranger to this realm. Days where the actions and inactions of others have had me questioning if I’m worth anything at all. Days when I’ve wanted to get on a plane (lol as if I could afford to😂😂) and go to a place where no one knows me and start afresh; leave everything and everyone behind. Days when I’ve felt shattered by things I’m not even sure of. Days where it’s taken every last ounce of life in me to face the world. Days of desolation and dejection. And nights on which I’ve been consumed by my own thoughts amplified by my insecurities. Nights on which I’ve had to beg myself to hold on in between tears. Nights where in my house of cards has caved in on me, leaving me exposed.
Somewhere along the comfort of peace and the recklessness of battle, I’ve found comfort in those words:
It’s going to work out. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but just play your part. It’ll work out
And often times I’ve found myself at a peculiar crossroads. Maybe I’ll be scrolling through Twitter and I’ll find a tweet about the latest Rolls Royce and watch a follow up video and get upset by the hefty price tag 😂😂 (lol, like I’ve got any business looking at those right now). Or I’ll find a tweet from “Thee Bagaine” about how soon 14th February is (lol, for the record, that day doesn’t not exist on my calendar because of personal reasons😂😂) and much as I’ll laugh about it, the thought does cross my mind: will I end up alone? Why are my dms so dry?😂
But then again, maybe I’m too young to judge myself for not being able to afford a $492,000 Rolls Royce. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not using age as an excuse because I’ll be damned; people my age out there, even younger can afford the car times over. And that’s okay. Warren Buffet in an interview said that people underplay the role of “luck” or “fate” or “fortune” or whatever you’d like to call it in determining how far you make it. He said that no matter how brilliant he could have been, chances are high that if he was born in sub-saharan Africa or in a war-torn part of Asia, chances are he’d not be who he is today. The system just wouldn’t let him be. I choose to look at what he said simply. It’s okay if the people around you are “moving” faster than you are. If their “hustles” are paying off better than yours are. It’s no need to beat yourself up about it. What matters is that you aren’t sitting back comfortable with what you have yet you want more (unless there’s some generational wealth waiting for you😂😂 even then, money is a tricky possession and often leaves easier than it comes, so you still need a plan). Point is, as long as you’ve got your eyes on the prize, let your mates run ahead of you, you’ll get there too. If what you’re doing isn’t playing out, take a step back, visit the drawing board, ASK for help, then get back out there and run your race, I promise it’s going to work out.
Just like it’s too soon for me to say I’ll probably end up alone😂😂, someday, someone will see that I’m just trying to build generational wealth with them for the rest of my life.😂😂 Yes @Thee-Bagaine😂😂😂someday, someone will see and I’ll be happy like you😂😂
PS: DISREGARD THAT PRECEDING PARAGRAPH 😂
Ultimately, I believe it’s going to work out and just like that, I’ve decided what I’m going to do with 20, I’m going to solidify my mantra that it all works out in the end while building on my patience levels while I wait for what’s to come.
Lol, it’s 3:23am.
Till next time. Be safe🙏🙏